Monday, September 15, 2014

Cock Cannon

This is a painting I have titled "Cock Cannon," by Roni Golan. I remember seeing it at Spring Art Scene, and kept thinking about it, until a few weeks ago I just had to buy it. 

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Monday, September 8, 2014

Oasis of the Zombies and Bloodsucking Nazi Zombies Are the Same Movie

It took me two years to figure out Bloodsucking Nazi Zombies and Oasis of the Zombies are the same movie. You might ask, how the hell does such a thing happen. You probably wouldn't ask, but for the sake of this ersatz blog entry some hypothetical person must ask, so let's assume you did. But first I have to go to Google and get pictures of Bloodsucking Nazi Zombies and Oasis of the Zombies, which are the same movie. Here's some of the stuff that might have happened in the movie.



These two chicks really like each other. So they decide to head to a remote oasis in the middle of the desert and do whatever it is they're about to do.


This guy sees what they're doing, and it causes his eyes to bug out. I call this zombie Bugeye Johnson. Inexplicably throughout the movie people keep showing up at this oasis that has been forgotten since an ambush planted a squad of Nazis there during WWII. If you decide to watch it with the sound on you'll discover there is some plot. I never have, so I'm not sure what the plot is. And that's part and parcel of the explanation as to why it took me two years to figure out Bloodsucking Nazi Zombies and Oasis of the Zombies are the same movie. More than that, they're really neither one, because the movie is actually titled Treasure of the Living Dead, but don't tell every video store in the history of video stores that.

In the 1990's and in the early part of this Millennium there used to be this thing called a video rental store, where you could go rent Beta or VHS tapes and go home and put them in your Betamax or VHS player. Near the advent of the 3rd Millennium they decided only DVD copies would be available, then most of the movies disappeared altogether. 

Now they had these video stores everywhere. Gas stations, laundromats, supermarkets. Video stores. And each one had a slightly different selection, so it was incumbent upon one who wanted to see new movies to travel around outside of the house (I know, crazy) in search of these new videos. But movie distributors were tricky. They knew you didn't know Zombie2 was actually the Fulci classic Zombie, but packaged as Zombie 2 because in Italy Dawn of the Dead was packaged as Zombie so the real Zombie couldn't be titled Zombie it had to be titled Zombie 2. Here's another picture from Treasure of the Living Dead for no good reason.

What do the zombies do in Treasure of the Living Dead in between bands of tourists and treasure hunters showing up to be eaten? Maybe they have a band. I don't know. This is actually a really nice shot from Bloodsucking Nazi Zombies, err, Oasis of the Dead.

In closing I'd like to say the reason it took me two years to figure out Oasis of the Dead and Bloodsucking Nazi Zombies are really the same movie, and that movie is actually titled Treasure of the Living Dead is that I never watched it. I literally rented it almost a dozen times before I turned the sound on. I blame the patriarchy. Misogynist filmmakers like Jess Franco made so many movies that all looked the same that it was years before I looked up enough from my reading to see that these were the same two women in the opening scene being eaten over and over and over. 




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Dr. Wolfsburg's Fantasy Waiver Wire Additions Week 1

Dr. Henry Wolfsburg, curator of the Hall of Bad Dudes, and fantasy football expert, has been enlisted to help you pick up the pieces of your fantasy football season after bums like Ray Rice, Doug Martin, Tony Romo, Jamaal Charles, Jordan Reed etc etc etc have ruined your week, and threaten to create a hole on your roster you can't recover from. 

The Dr. is in. And he's advising you to let someone else use their early waiver wire pick on Allan Hurns. 

And so here are the doctor's clutch fantasy pickups for week one.


Ahmad Bradshaw. Colts. He's still available in a few leagues. If you saw the Sunday night Colts/Broncos game it was readily apparent the Colts were giving bust Trent Richardson a chance to prove himself worthy of the 1st round pick they wasted on him last year, but when it was time to play big boy football Ahmad Bradshaw was on the field. His pass receptions alone might be worth enough to make him a possible flex on your team going forward, but I believe as soon as next week he'll also be the main rusher in Indianapolis. if you're reading this, you more than likely lost a running back this week, and although Ahmad Bradshaw isn't the running back of your dreams, he'll be serviceable, until injured. Let someone else take Hurns, Forsett, and go for Bradshaw.


Justin Forsett is alive. Turns out he's in Baltimore. And if you're a running back, it's not a bad time to be in Baltimore. It's possible the Ravens will go out and sign someone off the scrapheap this week after Ray Rice was finally released from the team after the video footage of him knocking out his now wife with his fist were released today. I guess some people had to see it to believe it. Shame on them. You remember Justin Forsett. He's teased you before. In Seattle. In Houston. He's got burst, quickness. Will he stick long-term in Baltimore? That's probably irrelevant to you right now that you need a running back pronto. Get Forsett this week.


That's a picture of Jonathan Dwyer. You probably didn't know that. After tonight's Cardinals/Chargers game you may very well forget it again. Or Dwyer might become a partial solution to your week two running back issues. Andre Ellington has done what most of the people who drafted him suspected he might do and pulled up lame already, even before the first snap of the season. It was nice that after the injury was revealed it was also revealed he had been dealing with this injury for several weeks. Thanks. Apparently Stepfan Taylor has been abducted by aliens, because coach Bruce Ariens only sees Jonathan Dwyer. Pick him now if your waiver wire allows that, or contingent upon tonight's game add him to your waiver claims because once a player injures a foot it's unusual for them to make a full recovery anytime soon. 


No more pictures. You'll want to pick up James Starks this week, because after his stock dropped during the preseason games in favor of Dujuan Harris, once the real games started the coach seemed to trust Starks more. Starks won't ease your misery much if you drafted Eddie Lacy with your first pick, but the pity party is over, and it's time to get ready for week two. 

For those of you playing in 8 or ten team leagues, my first question is why bother, but if Terrance West or Mark Ingram are still available, take them. Same advice in 12 or 14 team leagues if you're playing with congenital idiots. I'd probably caution Ingram is only waiting to sabotage your team. He's not getting touchdowns, or carries, every week.

Alright, wide receivers. Hurns, Markus Wheaton, Brian Quick, Steve Smith, Kelvin Benjamin, Andrew Hawkins. 

Replace Jordan Reed immediately. You were duped. So was I. When even the coach says something like "Even if he's ok he might not be on the field for a while" it's time to cut bait. Delanie Walker, Ladarius Green, and his backup Linus Pauling, or whatever his name is. 

If you need a quarterback already, Locker. Otherwise, you're boned. Have fun, and I'll be back after week 2 to commiserate. 





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Saturday, September 6, 2014

The Mississippi Queen Catfish Mermaid

The Mississippi Queen Catfish Mermaid


    Did you know In the year A.D. 1250, the ancient metropolis of Cahokia, Illinois, was home to more people than London. I imagine in that year the Native Americans knew all about the Mississippi Queen Catfish mermaid. She's been there all along, and earned her title as the Queen of All Mermaids. The Mighty Mississippi. You can cross it in St. Louis, Memphis, then again in New Orleans. 

    It takes 90 days for a drop of water to travel the entire length of the Mississippi River. The Mississippi River is home to 360 species of fish, and the Mississippi Queen mermaid presides over all of them. The deepest place on the Mississippi River is 200-feet deep and is located near Algiers Point in New Orleans, and that is where she holds court. But you have an equal chance of seeing her in St. Paul, Davenport, St. Louis, Baton Rouge, or La Crosse, Wisconsin. Almost nothing is more American than that. 

     You can see more mermaids here. 
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Friday, September 5, 2014

Walleye Mermaid of Lake Koshkonong

I picture all of the mermaids in Jenny Mathews's series Mermaids of North America as being protectors of individual bodies of water. It wouldn't surprise me for this Walleye to be the protector of The Rock River or Lake Koshkonong, Lake of the Woods, Lake Erie, Lake Winnebago, or countless others. 

Walleye can travel up to fifty miles in one night, and have a life span of up to twenty years. Being an enchanted creature, I envision this Walleye mermaid living much longer than that. Walleye have canine teeth, which are slanted back. They use these wickedly sharp teeth to catch/hold and tear their quarry, so I imagine this Walleye Crone is probably not a creature one would want to tangle with. 

Walleye are often unpredictable, are constantly on the move, and will bite like mad one day, then disappear for a week for no apparent reason. And when they decide to quit biting, almost nothing will change their minds. 

Because walleye eyes are so sensitive to light, they don't like bright sunlight. If the water is clear and there is no shade in the shallows, walleye will go as deep as 40 feet to escape the penetrating rays of the sun. You're not going to see this mermaid very often, and if you do a healthy dose of respect is recommended.  Pin It

Russell Edson "The Large Thing"

After all this time on planet Earth, I think if they asked me in some exit interview what my favorit poem was, I believe I'd cite this one by Russell Edson.

The Large Thing

      A large thing comes in.
      Go out, Large Thing, says someone.
      The Large Thing goes out, and comes in again.
      Go out, Large Thing, and stay out, says someone.
      The Large Thing goes out, and stays out.
      Then that same someone who has been ordering the Large Thing out begins to be lonely, and says, come in, Large Thing.
      But when the Large Thing is in, that same someone decides it would be better if the Large Thing would go out.
      Go out, Large Thing, says this same someone.
      The Large Thing goes out.
      Oh, why did I say that? says the someone, who begins to be lonely again.
      But meanwhile the Large Thing has come back in anyway.
      Good, I was just about to call you back, says the same someone to the Large Thing.
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Thursday, August 28, 2014

Street Trash, Zombie Night, and Dead Drunk

In 2005 I was named the General Manager of Castaways, a dive bar that was literally hidden under a bridge. What could possibly be better than be named General Manager of a bar with no budget, no staff, and no customers? Well, it was also the dead of winter, and I had to bartend for 100 straight nights. Believe me, there wasn't a single person in the world who wanted to see me behind a bar at this point, especially me. To complicate matters, I had no experience. I had no idea what I was doing.

By Spring we were broke, and I had to come up with some ideas.Anything. I started with Punk Rock Night, karaoke with Roller Derby, pajamas and cereal night, Old School Beer night, and Zombie Night.


The first night eight of us watched Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things, my favorite zombie movie. 

By that summer we were consistently getting at least 150 people on Tuesday nights at a bar under a bridge to watch movies like Hard Rock Zombies, The Stuff, and Street Trash,

I watched Street Trash again late last night. What a pisser of a movie that is. I liked it so much, apparently, I completely ripped off the premise in my screenplay Dead Drunk. 

Street Trash is a filthy, reprehensible movie, and there's not another one remotely like it. If gore is your game, and you can stomach enough misogyny to fuel Congress, this is for you. Don't try to eat while you're watching it. The premise: a cheap liquor store owner finds a crate of a hooch named Viper in his basement, and decides instead of letting it go to waste, to sell it to the street bums for a dollar a bottle. It makes them melt. I wasn't eating last night when I watched this, and I was able to set aside the unsettling misogyny in the movie and just enjoy it for the strange fucking delight it is. 






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