Monday, July 27, 2015

Attack of the Swamp Creature From Thriller Video on Beta

Attack of the Swamp Creature is one the more rare and hardest to attain of the Thriller Videos hosted by Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. Two weeks ago I saw a listing for four Beta format Thriller Video tapes, including the first time I had seen Attack of the Swamp Creature available on Ebay at all, so I immediately bought the lot, knowing it could be a year or more before I ever saw another copy of this available. It arrived today, and is in good condition. Not immaculate by any means, but the only one I've ever seen. 

Attack of the Swamp Creature from Thriller Video, hosted by Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, on Beta. There's a good chance I'll never watch this movie on this tape, or anywhere else, but look at that wild cover art. 

I now have 19 of the 48 tapes required to have a full collection of Thriller Video hosted by Elvira on both Beta and VHS. I have more Beta tapes than VHS. Maybe I'll get my Betacord off the shelf some night and test a few of these out, but more likely I'll never open any of them. 
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Sunday, July 26, 2015

Thou Shalt Not Party In Oprah Winfrey's Mouth

Satan. Beelzebub. Mephistopheles. All those spooky demons and beasties we have come to associate with the Devil and Hell and eternal damnation never really played much of a part in early Christianity. They were primarily invented later by the Catholic Church to scare the hell out of people. Some of these diabolical creatures are contained in a book titled Compendium rarissimum totius Artis Magicae sistematisatae per celeberrimos Artis hujus Magistros, published around 1775.

Most of the 31 illustrations in the book seem to be warning would-be sinners that women's vaginas are a god-forsaken place full of serpents and nasties and their breasts sagging bags of oozing poison.
Here the rooster demon Cronxtipus is seen shooting a stream of syphilitic urine into a ceremonial cauldron and gently inviting  a young Steven Tyler to bend over and have a drink.

This illustration, one of thirty-one in the book, is titled simply "The Nerd," and is a proscription against fantasy role-playing games and  whacking off to re-runs of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century.

But it's not all bad news in the Compendium rarissimum totius Artis Magicae sistematisatae per celeberrimos Artis hujus Magistros. Here it is foretold that Taylor Swift will murder Michael Bolton on stage at the 2015 People's Choice Awards, thus putting an end to one of the darkest chapters of evil in human history.
"Thou shalt not party in Oprah Winfrey's mouth."

The Arch Devil Asmodeus was reportedly very angry with the artist over this depiction of his rammalammadingdong, claiming it was a very cold morning when he stood for this portrait. 

I don't have any particular hang up about Oprah Winfrey, but I painted her vajayjay

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Saturday, July 25, 2015

Guest Outsider Poetry Blog: Dr. Millard Rausch

We're going to turn Zombie Logic over to the capable hands (and frontal lobe) of Dr. Millard Rausch tonight, who has a few words about dummies, Hamm's beer, and Outsider Poetry, in no particular order. 

Back in 1978 Dr. Millard Rausch was a second year professor at Penn, just trying to perfect his syllabus when the Zombie Outbreak of 1978 changed everything. Being one of the world's foremost experts on Xenobiology, Dr. Rausch was made an offer he could not refuse by the military to become a government spokesperson on zombie awareness. It was in the green room at WGON studios in Pittsburgh that he wrote this poem.

Dumb Questions

In every zombie movie 
From Zombie Lake to 
Children Shouldn’t Play 
With Dead Things, 
The living wonder 
What motivates the undead 
To clamor for human flesh, 
As if the undead are method 
Actors in a bad Fellini movie.

In one movie a coroner 
Asks the torso 
Of a bound zombie woman 
Why she lusts for brains.

Seems like a stupid question 
To ask someone 
Who wanted to eat your brains. 

Meanwhile, things had gone from bad to worse back at the WGON studio, and Dr. Rausch had just called 200 million Americans dummies. Americans are dummies, but they really don't like to be called dummies, so after the show Dr. Rausch found himself surrounded by a nation of angry dummies who were armed for a zombie Apocalypse. Second choice of enemies: Dr. Millard Rausch. Fortunately, the good doctor had prepared for just such an occasion, and repaired to Zombie Logic Ranch in Vermont where he wrote Outsider Poetry for the next decade, including this ditty...

True Romance

In the movie 
A zombie impaled 
Through the throat 
By a five iron gurgles 
“Must blend, 
Must pass for human,” 
To a woman he loves 
Too much to devour 
Until a shovel separates 
His head into two neat 
Hemispheres pretty much 
Ending his dream. 

Dr. Millard Rausch explaining zombie tribal behavior to dumb Americans in 1978


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Thursday, July 23, 2015

The Beekeeper, An Outsider Poem

I have been making these for You Tube videos, but there's no reason I can't post a few of them here, too. It has amused me to use a font color that is virtually unreadable. Also, I found a spelling error in this poem that went into the book Submerged Structure. It happens with every book that some five years later I'll find a rather obvious spelling error and wonder why I never saw it before. I swear there really is a printer's devil that changes the text in books, even after publication. 

"The Beekeper," an Outsider Poem by Thomas L. Vaultonburg

I posted some more of these impossible to read poems at Outsider Poetry 

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Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things Beta Cassette

   Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things
You don't see one of these very often. In fact, I'll wager you haven't seen one of these at all. This is a Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things Beta Cassette. I bought it several weeks ago, even before I started pruning my private collections and selling things on Ebay, and it arrived today from Australia. That and a couple of cans of Mr. Pibb are cheering me up. Not that I really need cheering up, the schedule has just been a little tense this summer.
Gorgon Video Beta version of Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things. Might have to plug in the old Betacord tonight and see if this one works. Even if it doesn't, I'm a big fan of ex rental tapes. Be kind, rewind.

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Thursday, July 16, 2015

We Always Give the Elders a Police Escort When They Return To Loughville

How do you get to Loughville...

Practice, practice, practice

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Saturday, July 11, 2015

Rockford Poetry

I never knew being associated with the search term Rockford Poetry was important to me. Until yesterday when Jenny told me it was important to me to be associated with the search term Rockford Poetry. Because I am the most widely published poet in Rockford (even though I quit publishing in 1996) and because I have the only serious literary press in Rockford I assumed if I looked for Rockford Poetry I'd be right there.


Not only wasn't I right there, I wasn't anywhere 

Having  been born in Swedish American hospital, which I can all but see from the window of the building that serves as Zombie Logic Press headquarters, and having published poetry here since 1997, I feel awful that I haven't been able to make Google consider my efforts more noteworthy. I think that will change in the coming years, as I have plans to publish the first books of several up-and-coming poets from America's 3rd most dangerous city. Already I have published the first book of Jesus Correa and C.J. Campbell, and later this year we will be releasing an as-yet untitled poetry book by noir poet Dennis Gulling, a protege of Todd Moore, perhaps the most published and widely read poet the Rockford area has ever had.

After my heart surgery two years ago it became crystal clear to me I wanted to do my part to make Rockford more than just a punchline to people from other cities who only hear we have been named to another most fat, least educated, most violent or miserable list. I'm very proud of the book we did with Jesus Correa, Iced Cream. I'm super excited about this book by Dennis Gulling. 

I have written a piece about the history of Rockford poetry that will be published later this year. In my research for that story I found many times when poetry almost took a hold in Rockford, but eventually fizzled because of egos, in fighting, or lack of support from the community.

I'm not sure what time I have left to accomplish this, or make my contribution, but I hope to do all I can in these coming years to support the poetry scene in Rockford, which I know for a fact has numerous brave, unique, and powerful voices. 

I regret that because of Schizoid Personality Disorder and tremendous social anxiety I won't be able to do readings because it would be an honor to take the stage with some of these writers, but maybe I can use Zombie Logic Press and Zombie Logic Review to give a forum for their voices. 

Rockford Poetry

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