Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Amazingly No One Died

       It's damn hard to kill human beings. Just ask the U.S. military. Over the past few decades they've spent billions of dollars and expended tons and tons of bombs of all sorts: smart bombs, scud bombs, daisy cutter bombs, sitting on the john reading the Arab Weekly news bomb- all of that mostly for just two men: Mohamar Quadafi and Osama Bin Laden. Although successful in taking out a few people in the general vicinity of these men on occasion both have stubbornly refused to die.

        People just won't die. Case in point: a snowboarder in the Rockies was recently attacked by a pack of wolves while simultaneously dropping seven hundred feet from a sheer cliff. On the way down the wolves stripped his entire legs of flesh down to the bone. Upon landing the man was mauled by a mountain lion and buried under an avalanche for sixteen days, his only source of nourishment being his own internal organs. Fortunately this occurred in May and upon being questioned about his ordeal by a rescue crew the man simply stated, "Cowabunga dude!"

        Did I mention it's hard to kill people? This didn't make the national news but last week a nuclear device was accidentally detonated in New York City at high noon. Now this was no jelly donut bomb it was the full 1000 megaton bomb. The next day on page seven of the Post appeared a twelve line story that began "bomb dropped on New York City, seven suffer minor injuries." The New York Times declined to send out a reporter.

        We've arrived at a point in human history where people are more difficult to exterminate than cockroaches. Even in the most abhorrent conditions in Third World nations people just aren't dying like they used to. Various agencies have released the AIDS virus, bird flu, E Bola, tainted spinach and Big Macs upon the world. Everyone gets fatter and dumber but stubbornly refuses to die.

        Why?

        I think I know why. Television. In the Dark Ages there was no television. And everyone had the decency to die at an early age. It is mistakenly believed The Bubonic Plague or unsanitary conditions was the cause but new evidence proves it was lack of television. These people wanted to die. There just wasn't anything to do. These people had nothing to look forward to. No American Idol, no Wheel of Fortune, even the most popular sports event, Beheading of the Infidels, wasn't readily available on closed circuit until the Renaissance. Faced with the prospect of another day of grueling labor and insufferable boredom many chose just to die.

        Right up until the debut of I Love Lucy the average life expectancy was 27 years. And today, judging from the crowd I witnessed at the Old Country Buffet, the ALE is 123 years old. That's right. There was no AARP in 1838. No Blue Cross, no Medicare. Anyone older than 24 was quietly urged to "give it up." If one persisted after these gentle warnings one often found oneself attached to a catapult and aimed at enemy encampments. But now the old have no shame. Worst of all they are encouraged not to die. This occurred roughly around the time Matlock, Murder She Wrote and Walker, Texas Ranger made their spectacular debut on television. Now the old have no reason to die. They got the buffet, Matlock and they're the only ones who can afford to see a doctor. Have you ever been in a doctors waiting room? I haven't since I was fifteen but I seem to remember it full of gummers there to complain about stiffness, pain and general disrepair. Of course you feel bad, Methusula, you're like 187 years old. If you'd kindly die and get out of the way maybe you'd be doing a favor for the quality of television and buffets everywhere.

        So, what can we do about this dilemma of people refusing to die? The Biltebergers and New World Order have been going about this all the wrong way. Scouring the rainforest for new flesh eating viruses, digging up the coffins of victims of the Spanish Flu to study the influenza that killed 25% of the world, ignoring the basic nutritional and sanitary needs of Third World nations- all of these methods have been only marginally effective in their goal of reducing the world's population to 500,000,000. What they need to do is implement a television curfew of six p.m and show only re-runs of Walker, Texas Ranger, Matlock and Murder She Wrote. No other programming would be available except with the proviso that for one hour of television watched one hour of intensive study of history, literature or philosophy be suffered. Within six weeks the population of planet Earth would be reduced to 500,000,000 due to deaths caused by boredom and suicide.

        Are you listening you cocksucker New Worlders? Get to work. Pin It
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