Saturday, December 29, 2007

A List of My 16 Pet Peeves

My Pet Peeves

1) Fast rolling credits at the end of movies. Any other movie buffs annoyed by this? Part of the movie experience for me is knowing who did what on a movie from the director of photography to the supprting actors. But these days you have to go to IMDB to find out because the moment a movie ends we're zoomed off into an advertisement. Hate this phenomenon.

2) Baby talk. Even when directed at babies. Particularly wawa. It's fucking water mushbrain.

3) Left turns. There are very few situations in life where you absolutely have to make a left turn. So don't. Can you imagine the time that could be saved in the universe if certain dickwads would opt to go around a block instead of sitting in traffic to make their all important left turn. This is an example of why nothing works.

4) Crime scene investigators and profilers. I was curious to see what impact all these brilliant deducers of the human psyche are having on the solving of actual crimes so I looked at the statistics. And did you know if you commit a rape or murder right now you have a better chance of getting away with it than any time statistics have been kept? Profile that mother fucker.

5) The typing sound effect. Don't know why but when I hear that sound effect it drives me nuts.

6) When people say "to die for." Almost always they are referring to foodstuffs and I wish they would.

7) Lists. Listmania. Lists, man. Fucking lists. Here's an example. Every Sunday we get the rundown of the top ten movies as if movies are competing against each other.

8) Sammich. It's a fucking sandwich, idiot. Yes, I know a lot of these involve the butchering of language.

9) Alright, this one really gets me. Eddie Murphy was funny in 1983. He's made like seven movies where he plays like ten different characters aqnd every time black people lose their minds like theycan't believe make up effects have advanced to the point where a black man can portray a Jewish man or even a larger black man. But here's the actual peeve: when they have the commercial saying "Eddie Murphy and Eddie Murphy and Eddie Murphy..." we fucking get it already check out Lon Chaney and what he physically did to his face in Phantom of the Opera if you want to be impressed by make up effects.

10) I hate that look of anticipation in peoples' eyes just before the appraiser tells them how much something is worth on Antiques Road Show. Does everything in this society have to be reduced to a dollar amount? Some hillrod from West Virgini could bring in the first copy of Shakespeare's Folios and aside from the fact that he was holding a priceless artifact from our shared human experience all he would care about was if it was worth enough to buy a bass boat.

11) Men who use a billiards table as an excuse to grope women. Alright, so I've spent most of my life in barrooms but this one gets to me. Watch sometime. Every time a woman gets near a pool table some Chester the Molester believes it is his sworn duty in the Universe to make sure she knows how to shot properly, which always entails him sneaking up behind her as she's about to shoot. Don't be this guy. End this phenomenon.

12) The word poon-tang. Hates it. It may be the foulest sounding word in any language.

13) Ghost hunters, storm chasers... I despise charlatans. If you want to be recognized do something meaningful.

14) Joe Cocker and specifically that song "You Can Leave Your Hat On."

15)  Tryptophan. Every fucking Thanksgiving does every idiot in the Universe have to rehash the false fact that turkey makes you sleepy because of tryptophan. It's not the falseness of the fact that annoys me it's just the sharing of a brain that six billion people seem to have. Next year just don't say it.

16) Ok, here's where I get kicked in the nuts and I could easily avoid it by just not telling you that I think tattoo and punk and Harley culture is completely unoriginal and bothers the shit out of me. I hate it any time people get together and all dress the same and act the same and parrot the same words and phrases and then tell us how unique and bad ass they are. This extends to Witch culture and Satanists. Just excuses for unoriginal people to dress up and all act alike and talk alike and generally bother the shit out of us actually living unique lives. (I have to amend myself by stating that most of the actual unique people I know do have tattoos and piercings it's not the tattoos or piercings it's the culture that bothers me)

    So, there it is. A non-exhaustive list of my pet peeves. Now I expect you all to list your pet peeves. And not just me. Pin It

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