Monday, May 30, 2011

Zombie Logic Solves Oldest Problem In the World (Gaza)

Short and sweet on this one because I don't have time to trifle with you people. I have solved the problem of the Holy Land. And Yahoo News helped me. Here's the link to the story that led to my solving of the world's oldest problem. Read it, don't read it, stick it up your ass, I really don't care.
I know you're too lazy to read the story, and I was, too, but I think it says there is a whole 2,000 year old city under the city of Jerusalem. Of course the Jews claim this proves they were there the whole time. The Muslims and the Palestinians dismiss this out of hand, of course, and still think they are the rightful inheritors of Jerusalem.
Wait a minute, guys, Zombie Logic has a blockbuster solution to your problems. And here it is...
Three levels of Jerusalem. Underground Jerusalem, above ground Jerusalem, AND aerial Jerusalem.
Now don't get all worked up about being below ground Jerusalem, my Palestinian friends, first consider the advantages. It's cooler down there. Umm, well that's about it, but it's something. Oh, this comes to mind. It's easier to undermine people if you are actually under them, and since we know there is no solution that will satisfy you aside from the absolute annihilation of all Jews from this planet, being under them literally will give you ample opportunity to do this.
Above ground Jerusalem will be left to the Jews. I just drew lots out of centurion's sandal, trust me. Where they also will be free to plot the destruction of whomsoever they choose. I wonder who that will be.
Now, aerial Jerusalem calls for an ambitious construction project. And that's a good thing because jobs, you know. But once completed aerial Jerusalem will be occupied by the Muslims. I'm sure they'll be appreciative and immediately desist from being jerkoffs.
In this plan, and feel free to go ahead and steal my work, all three cultures will simultaneously occupy Jerusalem.
What the hell is wrong with you people that you can't come up with simple solutions to complex problems the way I can?
December 12, 2012 update: With the recent flair up of violence in Gaza, I wonder if anyone has taken my solution seriously. 
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  1. Dear ZLP,

    Can you please work on rapid global climate change next?


  2. Shit, I may get that one done before dinner. Getting Donald Trump to close that typhoon generator of a blowhole would be a good start.

  3. Awesome! Also my dishwasher keeps getting jammed during the rinse cycle until I open the door and reset it.

  4. No, you need to call the Maytag repairman for that. I only solve the old mysteries.


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