Monday, May 30, 2011

Zombie Logic Solves Oldest Problem In the World (Gaza)

Short and sweet on this one because I don't have time to trifle with you people. I have solved the problem of the Holy Land. And Yahoo News helped me. Here's the link to the story that led to my solving of the world's oldest problem. Read it, don't read it, stick it up your ass, I really don't care.
I know you're too lazy to read the story, and I was, too, but I think it says there is a whole 2,000 year old city under the city of Jerusalem. Of course the Jews claim this proves they were there the whole time. The Muslims and the Palestinians dismiss this out of hand, of course, and still think they are the rightful inheritors of Jerusalem.
Wait a minute, guys, Zombie Logic has a blockbuster solution to your problems. And here it is...
Three levels of Jerusalem. Underground Jerusalem, above ground Jerusalem, AND aerial Jerusalem.
Now don't get all worked up about being below ground Jerusalem, my Palestinian friends, first consider the advantages. It's cooler down there. Umm, well that's about it, but it's something. Oh, this comes to mind. It's easier to undermine people if you are actually under them, and since we know there is no solution that will satisfy you aside from the absolute annihilation of all Jews from this planet, being under them literally will give you ample opportunity to do this.
Above ground Jerusalem will be left to the Jews. I just drew lots out of centurion's sandal, trust me. Where they also will be free to plot the destruction of whomsoever they choose. I wonder who that will be.
Now, aerial Jerusalem calls for an ambitious construction project. And that's a good thing because jobs, you know. But once completed aerial Jerusalem will be occupied by the Muslims. I'm sure they'll be appreciative and immediately desist from being jerkoffs.
In this plan, and feel free to go ahead and steal my work, all three cultures will simultaneously occupy Jerusalem.
What the hell is wrong with you people that you can't come up with simple solutions to complex problems the way I can?
December 12, 2012 update: With the recent flair up of violence in Gaza, I wonder if anyone has taken my solution seriously. 
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Saturday, May 28, 2011

How I Let Facebook Nearly Ruin My Writing

By the time I was 18 I had written 1200 poems. One day I took all those poems and threw them off a bridge and watched them float down the river.
I think that was probably the day I became a writer.
I think it's important for me to throw Facebook into the river.
Lately I've found myself accepting simple grammatical errors I make in status updates and my responses to other's status updates. My justification is that it's only an ephemeral statement on a social networking site and not of any consequence.
If it's not important enough to take the time to second check for simple spelling errors, then how important could it be in the first place?
I'm a writer. These things have to be important to me. More important than blurting out whatever is on my mind unfiltered, the second I think it. When I first starting writing there was no method that would have allowed me to make my words available to other people the instant after I wrote them. And that's a good thing because 99% of what i think and write is pure shit and doesn't need to be seen by anyone. The other 1% is what makes me a writer.
But imagine a world where all of that 99% of garbage out there no longer exists. Those things that weren't well thought out or well said. That never needed to be said. Imagine doing a Google search and finding links to information that was useful. I'm going to do my part by simply shutting up. No one was listening anyway, and if they were it was the same people over and over and they never needed me to point out this is a dumb world with dumb people in it in the first place.
They don't need me, but I need me. I need me to write better. I need me to not let the ease of socially media-fied communication ruin my writing. I need me to finish a thought. To sit here and look at the cursor blink for ten minutes if need be before I tap the keys again.
There is no audience here. There may never be an audience here. And that may be exactly what I need as a writer, as a thinker, as a human being to regain what it is I've lost in the social media.
What will I write now that no one is looking? I'm not sure. Maybe politics, maybe poetry, maybe just my bland observations about people I see wandering the streets.
Who knows?
December 12, 2012 update: The more I think about this the 140 character limit is more in keeping with the type of minimalist writing I do than sweeping, adjective-stuffed lines of pentameter. 

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Seven of the Ten Poems Thomas L Vaultonburg Promised To Write On May 27, 20111

A Poem I Also Title "The Donner Party"
After an Evening of Reading Richard
Brautigan's Poetry

"What's for dinner?"


"No, I meant what's
For breakfast."


since you never
had time
to behold
this particular
I went ahead
and did it
for you.

Be Careful

Closing the door
Behind you
The words
You longed for
All night
Ricocheted off the wall
And fell
In a dusty corner
Where thay can
Do no harm.

Day 12,562

The Cleveland Indians
Played well into the night
Against the Texas Rangers.

My game was cancelled.


The old regard the
Escalator's efforts
With disdain.

No one meets them
At the top.

I'm Not
writing the poem
"personae vitae"
no one
wanted it.


He wants to fly
To Jupiter

He starts by crashing
To Earth

Now he's
Got it.

December 12, 2012 update: Interesting to see these poems again. I had a lot more late night to work with when I first moved into this apartment. These were all poems inspired by Richard Brautigan and written in the same day just as an exercise to get myself writing. Also, I see there are only four poems here. Funny. 
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