Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Why Doesn't Anybody Want To Vote For a Republican Candidate?

Nobody seems to want to vote for any Republican candidate these days. And I'm not going to be political in this blog, I just want to do a history of the Republican party's search for a Presidential candidate to challenge Barack Obama in 2012, because as the Grateful Dead once sang, "What a long strange trip it's been." One thing is assured: SOMEONE will run as a Republican against Barack Obama in 2012, but given the amount of bizarre, almost surreal twists and turns the nominating process has taken, it could be anyone, including a candidate we haven't even considered yet. Here's a recap...


The first power couple we were told were going to blow Obama away were these two...


Before Obama's State of the Union address in 2009 it was already apparently decided. This was the new Republican power couple. Obama didn't have a chance. Jindal/Palin, Palin/Jindahl, didn't matter who was on top and who was on bottom, and Republicans couldn't wait for 2012. 

Then this happened...


Palin was reported to have snorted cocaine and banged NBA player Glen Rice. I have known women like that. They're called strippers. This probably isn't a real picture of Palin, but I like to think it is. Then this happened...


Jindahl's response to Obama's 2009 State of the Union address was a disaster. Jindahl Bombs. And Republicans started to realize what the rest of America already knew: you can't have two airheads on the same ticket. Who's going to run? Maybe this guy...

Maybe this guy. Ron Paul, despite being elected to to Congress 78 times was successful in convincing some people he was a political outsider. With seemingly minor gripes like auditing the Federal reserve, Paul became the rage amongst young hipsters and older whackadoos, who used their avalanche of comments on sites such as Yahoo to prove that Paul was the most popular candidate and was being systematically ignored by the media. But there was only one problem: once real votes started to be counted nobody in real life seemed to be voting for Ron Paul. Perhaps if we elected candidates by the volume of comments they recieve on social networking sites Paul would have had a chance. Hold on for a...



Bimbo change. Bring on the next tone deaf, marginalized, home schoolin', farm subsidy takin' harpy. Next. Will anyone ever emerge to take this nomination?


No, not the Mormon Fonz, Mitt Romney. Mittens announced his candidacy early on, was super well funded, and could afford to let others be tagged as the front runner for many months before his Romulan ship of big corporate money and pundit support uncloaked. Only one problem: nobody really seems very hot about voting for him, even in a primary. But they don't seem to have been given much of a choice. Even other major candidates couldn't raise the type of money required to campaign or even get on the ballot in all fifty states. Think about that. Even major candidates now can't afford to run in all fifty states. That leaves a very big opening for anyone who can raise that type of money to run pretty much unopposed in many cases. But it wasn't over at that point. Not by a longshot. Because...

Speaking of zombies, this guy seemed to return from the dead. And much like this entire farcical process, was taken as a joke at first. After ethics violations that led to him resigning as Speaker of the House Gingrich Busted most decent people probably would have scurried off and left the American public alone. Which Gingrich, by and large, did for over a decade, accepting exhorbatant sums of money from corporations for speaking engagements and book deals, all the time building up the base of money and support that would allow him to make one more run at major public office. There's no shame in his game, and his strident and fiery nature appealed to many Republicans. He surged back into the American political consciousness and won the South Carolina primary. Onlt one problem: even he couldn't raise enough money to get on the ballot in states like Virginia. How much money does one need to buy an election exactly? probably we don't want to know, but if Gingrich can't even get on the ballot, who can?

Hold on for a surprise contender who's about as surprising as the end of Titanic

Million dollar haircut, ten cent brain. Enough said. Except that he also was declared the front runner the first week of his candidacy.

Okay, that's a little bit of a low blow, so to speak, but I've got to use these 3am Photoshop creations somewhere. So, who have we got so far? Perry was now the front runner, even before he officially announced his candidacy. A new frontrunner. Can we at least vote on something before the press tells uis who's already won? Here comes the first vote, here comes Iowa...

What do you mean the candidates the press has been telling us are the front runners got almost no votes? What do you mean those millions and millions of Paul supporters didn't seem to show up at the polls (maybe they were abducted by aliens on their way to the ballot box), what do you mean some guy the media never even talked about before won? What is a Santorum? And what the hell is that black guy doing on the stage? I feel like I've been duped. The media told me this wasn't what was supposed to happen. When will this crazy ride stop? Goodbye...

Herman Cain. You remember Herman Cain, right? He made some pizzas, diddled some waitresses, and for about ten days was annointed by the media as the Republican front runner. Which group of voters were the pollsters continually able to contact to get these results that didn't seem to match reality when actual human beings voted? Kind of scary, isn't it? That the media is perfectly fine with the concept of electing a President the same way an American Idol is selected. So, wait a minute. I thought I knew who was going to win because the media told me. But none of those people got any votes. That doesn't seem right. And Newt Gingrich isn't dead, and somebody named Santorum is now in the lead, and Ron Paul has been debunked and who else is there?....

Hello, ladies. Remember me? I've been in second place the whole time. With more corporate money than, well, than those poor schlubs chasing me. Nobody really wants to vote for me, but, haha, they really don't have a choice, now do they? New Hampshire, South Carolina, Ohio, Super Tuesday? Whatever, guys, you'll run out of money sooner or later. Bring on...

Barack Obama For President 2012

























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