Sunday, April 15, 2012

Hard Rock Zombies

I had a bar I ran a few years ago. A real dump. The cooler caught on fire one night. The cooler. We often worked behind the bar under an inch or more of water. I'll spare you the details. This was a dive bar. But one thing you can do when you have your own bar is show zombie movies. Which we did. It was sort of like getting to do something you had dreamed about for a long time. It wasn't sort of like that at all, it was that. The first couple of weeks it was just a handful of us zombie nuts watching what we liked, but by the summer we had a couple hundred people showing up to watch zombie movies. And one of the things the Davis Brothers, who organized the event, liked to do, was slide in zombie movies no one else had seen in with something like Shaun of the Dead. One of the movies they "slid in there" three times was Hard Rock Zombies. I could try to explain to you what happens in this, movie, but I haven't really seen it. I was cooking cheeseburgers and making drinks. I know I saw parts of it three times and it seemed like one of the most disjointed, inexplicably strange and entertaining zombie movies I've ever seen. I'm sure if I ever sat down and watched the whole thing without the cheeseburger making part I'd feel the same way. Here's some pictures. Find out for yourself.

Here's what I think I saw...

A rock and roll band shows up in a town to do a show. Probably. Like I said, I never really saw it. Just typical rock n rollers, except it's one of those 80's permutations where when they start to rock it sounds like a Michael Bolton song. I'm just saying I don't think the rocking corresponds with the level of rocking promised. 

Here's the rub. Hitler lives in this town, and he's in no mood to rock n roll. So he has the members of the band whacked one by one, one literally with a weed whacker if memory serves. 

But you can't kill rock and roll a second time, so the Hard Rock Zombies return to do a power ballad, I think, with a girls' name in like Debbie or Cammie or some shit and if you're not in a room with 150 drunk people laughing their asses off it might not be as funny but if you can arrange for the 150 drunk people by all means I recommend it. There's more.

Homicidal NAZI dwarf. Don't remember if it's the Seinfeld guy. Or Peter Dinklage.

Eva Braun is in it. She's a werewolf.

Everybody dies at least once in this movie, but that doesn't stop the entire cast from coming back for a final showdown in a cellar somewhere with green and violet backlighting and nobody is really in it for the politics or offended that Hitler is, well, Hitler, it's all about the power of rocking. Probably.

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