Monday, April 9, 2012

Night Train To Terror Derails Spectacularly

Let me tell you something about the 1985 load of shit anthology story movie Night Train To Terror: if more load of shit hundred million dollar budget movies had as much good shit in them as this piece of shit I'd watch those pieces of shit, because by load of shit I only mean AWESOME when describing Night Train To Terror. I don't even know if I can get all this good shit into a review this short. Let me try. The wrap-around premise of this steamer is that God and Satan are on a train haggling over souls. Then a dance number breaks out. Apparently there's a refugee break dancin', pastel wearin', bad 80's music playin' troupe of mental patient escapees in one of the car who's souls God apparently thinks are worth saving (despite the visual evidence) and Satan thinks the whole Universe can (correctly) do without.

God, played by Ferdy Mayne of the 256 IMDB credits and the face you know you know you know but where do you know it from and  Satan, played by some double douche, haggle over...

This dicksmack, who you will instantly despise and want dead, but God says no, so we have to watch the entire damn movie. This actor is Byron Yordan who ended up having less IMDB listings than I do, and I can't act for shit if that gives you an idea of how much you will want him dead just from these interstitial bits. But on to the stories.

Those are Richard Moll's, Bull from Night Court's, hands about to do some booby squeezin'. He's in all the stories I think trying to pretend like it's not the same actor. A sure sign of a high quality production. He dies in this story, but he comes back later as another character. 

Richard Moll, who I found out is a devout Mormon (is there any other kind?) does some foul shit in this first story. I think this clinic is harvesting parts. He likes to bang up the chicks first then dismember them. 

Then this munch returns and after you have to sit through the second musical number you'll not only see it Satan's way, you'll consider converting to The Church of Satan to help make that happen, but mercifully you'll be saved by the second story.

About a society of smacks who get their rocks off by cheating death. Or not. As this dude finds out. He didn't look like at the beginning of the scene. But he goes through a Jimi Hendrix electrocution metamorphosis that it's kind of groovy. Other people die in the second story, then, ya, you know...

Back it up, back it up, I just found this. Before and after . You get the idea.

Monkey face. Probably turned out to be a councilor working with troubled teens in Modesto so I'll feel bad but dude I just can't deal with you.

Just when you want to put your head in the microwave you get this cocksucker to deal with. He's a NAZI demon vampire guy who likes to kill chicks (but don't they all?). Story three is bizarro. Bull comes back.

There's an insanely cheesy but unbelievably cool stop motion interlude out of nowhere, then

The train crashes.

Jewish character actor God guy intervenes. And (you guessed it)...

These human artifacts return to finish off whatever will to live you have left.

Listen, more shit than even happens in this movie. It's insane. It's terrible. It's probably criminal. But it's AWESOME.

March 29, 2013: I have an entire weekend with no plans and no real tasks to watch as many crummy movies as I can. If I can find The Brotherhood of Satan that will be first on my list, followed by Class Reunion Massacre, and Mansion of the Living Dead. But Night Train To terror is on the short list for another watching. 

December 2,2014: Night Train To Terror Soundtrack released on vinyl.

I never realized that the soundtrack to Night Train To Terror had actually been released as a 500 copy limited edition in 1985 on the Vinegar Syndrome label.  I have to buy this now. I believe it has also been recently -re-released in vinyl. The things that people don't forget amaze me, but I saw for sale on Ebay last night a Dark Night of the Scarecrow Halloween mask. 

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