Sunday, April 29, 2012

Famous Crashes of NASCAR History (Number 3 Donnie Allison v Cale Yarborough)


Donnie Allison and Cale Yarborough /// Daytona /// 1979







Rubbin' is racin'.



And so is punchin'.



I'll bite your damn leg off, Yarborough.


Not before I kick you in the paunch, Allison.


Heck with that. Let's all just get drunk and play Twister.




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Saturday, April 28, 2012

Tom Thibodeau Finally Ruins Derrick Rose's Career

Chicago Bulls coach Tom Thibodeau led the team to a 62-20 record in the 2010-2011 regular season and won the NBA Coach of the Year Award. Bulls' fans were ecstatic. This seemed to be the best turn of a lucky card since the Bulls won the lottery to draft Derrick Rose . The Bulls walked through the Eastern Conference rather easily... until they met the Miami Heat. That's when Tom Thibodeau and Bulls' fans should have learned a lesson, namely that regular season wins are about as valuable as Pogs these days. The Heat lost game one to the Bulls, then swept them out of the playoffs without expending real effort, despite the Bulls dominating the regular season series. Lesson learned, right? Wrong. Coach Thibodeau started the lockout-shortened 2011-2012 right where he left off, grinding his players into dust to win meaningless regular season games.  The injuries began immediately. Deng, Hamilton, but most importantly, league MVP Derrick Rose. Rose suffered five separate injuries this season, and each time he was rushed back onto the court, or at least allowed to return to the court against his better interests by a coach who seems to have no concept of how the human body works. Well, Coach Thibodeau's obsession with maintaining a level of intensity in circumstances when any reasonable coach would allow his players to rest, caught up with Chicago Bulls today when...


Reigning NBA Most Valuable Player collapsed to the court with a torn ACL with one minute left in Game 1 of the playoff series against the Philadelphia 76ers. The Bulls were winning the game by over ten points. It took Coach Tibbs all season of driving Rose to try to perform at an MVP level when he was clearly not physically able to play, but he did it, he finally broke the only real chance this version of the Bulls will ever have to be the far superior Miami Heat team. Many people were saying Tom Thibodeau should win the Coach of the Year Award again this year for once again piling up more regular season wins than any other team in the NBA. I wonder what they're saying now. The good news is...




Rip Hamilton is finally ready to play. 

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The Chicago Bears 2012 Draft: My Evaluation

After a decade of dismal drafts I was like most Bear's fans and was glad to see General Manager Jerry Angelo go earlier this year. After other teams seemed to snap up most of the top tier General Manager candidates I have to admit I thought they settled when they chose Phil Emery as the new General Manager. I was also suspicious of the fact that as a condition of his hiring Emery was prevented from firing head coach Lovie Smith. Not that I feel Lovie should be fired, but management structure in American business, including the NFL, has a defined hierarchy, which the Bear's organization set aside in this case, causing some to feel they made themselves look foolish and disorganized.


 But Emery was bold right out of the, trading two third round picks (one each in 2012 and 2103) for Miami wide receiver Brandon Marshall. In my opinion it was a great trade, especially since the Bears already had an extra 3rd rounder from the Panthers for Tight End Greg Olsen. Emery went on in free agency to add several unspectacular but essential pieces to fill in needs at several positions, leading one to believe the draft would be used to fill out the roster with immediate impact players. When the draft started I was like almost everyone else in believing the Bears would draft a pass rusher that could put Matthew Stafford and Aaron Rodgers on their backsides. Then this happened...




                                                      1) Shea McClellin DE/LB Boise State
Like probably every other Bears' fan in the Universe, I was too dumbfounded to even groan when I heard this pick announced. After I collected myself I went through all the stages of loss, and before the second round even began had reached acceptance. The Bears were going to take a player to line up on the end across from Julius Peppers and go after quarterbacks, but was this the guy? Six defensive linemen went immediately preceding the Bears' pick, including Melvin Ingram at #18 by the Chargers, probably the player the Bears were looking at, but I don't know anyone who saw this pick coming. He's small, not very strong, and doesn't have a true position in the NFL. Worst of all, there were still several pass rushers still on the board and many teams were showing interest in moving up to get the Bears' pick. They could have moved down, got a pass rusher every bit as good as McClellin, and added a pick later. McClellin could very well turn out to be a great NFL player, but when the General Manager makes a point to mention special teams when referring to the first round draft pick, I get nervous. I didn't like this pick. What I did like was...




2) Alshon Jeffery WR South Carolina
When the Bears traded up in round two I was excited because I thought this was it, they were finally going to draft a Tackle. Jay Cutler has spent more time on his ass the past three years than a government employee, and since the Bears did nothing in free agency to address the problem here it was, the pick we were all waiting for, a road grating tackle. Right? Wrong. The Bears selected Alshon Jeffery, wide receiver from South Carolina. And I wasn't disappointed one bit, because another thing Jerry Angelo was notorious for was not drafting wide receivers. Bears fans have suffered through decades of having nothing to get excited about at the wide receiver position. Roy Williams? Are you kidding me? Now the Bears have two beasts at wide receiver. I like this because now that Jay Cutler won't have to drop back seven steps and watch his wide receivers robotically fleeing down the field to get to the positions insane former "genius" of offense Mike Martz blindly insisted upon no matter what the reality of the defense (or the decade) was, Cutler can take a normal drop, look up, and see two huge targets to choose from. True, he might drop back and the first thing he sees is three defensive linemen in his face, but on the plays when the tackles do actually block someone he'll have targets, and I think Cutler can find them. I like this pick. Third round...



3) Brandon Hardin Free Safety Oregon State
Okay. Deja vu here. Last year I was watching the draft and excitedly awaiting the Bears' third round pick and when Chris Conte's name was announced I had that familar WTF Jerry Angelo reaction for multiple reasons, most of then being he was a player no one had rated that highly. A player he could easily gotten later. A player not even at the top of the list of available players at the position. Ditto 2012. Who is this player? He didn't even play last year. This was the spot for Bobbie Massie, the highest rated Tackle still on the board, not another damaged goods, white defensive back who probably would have fallen two or three rounds. Meet the new boss... Having traded the fifth rounder away to get Jeffery, the fourth round pick became even more crucial in filling immediate needs (offensive line, offensive line). So I woke up today assured the Bears would finally acknowledge that if you have Pro Bowl talent at QB, WR, and running back, it might be a good idea to put offensive linemen in front of them who aren't doing an imitation of the turnstiles at Grand Central Station. Here it comes, here it comes...



4) Evan Rodriguez TE Temple
Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! Round four was Tight End round, with five teams opting to go for this new upgraded position. But here's my problem with this pick: even among the new paradigm for the "move" Tight End in the NFL, Rodriguez doesn't seem to fit. He's 6'1. Runt of the litter. Martz crippled the Tight End position in Chicago, so we don't even know what a real Tight End looks like, but I think they're taller than this. The Bears don't pick in round five, and I feel assured they'll draft a token offensive lineman in either rounds six or seven, but the odds of getting anyone who can play is slim, so I'll summarize my reaction to the Bears 2012 draft now.


I can't believe this new General Manager, who was hired expressly because he was considered a keen evaluator of collegeb talent and a shrewd draft expert, drafted players who have no defined position, lack the size, strength, or natural skill sets required for those positions, or in the case of Hardin haven't even played in over a year. The first four rounds are NOT the time to take chances on players you think might blossom into great NFL players, but have questions. Those are players you wait for while drafting mean-ass looking, day one ass-kicking players like 

Courtney Upshaw, who the Ravens drafted with their first pick at the top of the second round. No issues here. He's not injured. He's not undersized. He knows what position he plays. This guy looks like he's about to rip the head off a bull and drink its blood. The Bears' first round pick looks like he's about to feed the chickens. Even the pick that made me happiest, Alshon Jeffery, is a player who has weight and off field issues. There's no reason to take on this much baggage and have this many questions about the first four players you take in any draft. Especially since you didn't acquire impact players in free agency. My grade of the Bears' 2012 draft up to this point...





C-









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Friday, April 27, 2012

Ghostkeeper

Ghostkeeper is a 1982 Canadian movie that fits into the desolate/derelict/forsaken places series of reviews I've been doing lately that includes movies such as Humongous, Revenge of the Dead, and Antropohagus. In movies such as these, the location becomes the star. In Ghostkeeper, the main character is an


Abandoned ski lodge. Shot here from underneath, no doubt, because it fails to elicit the same response as The Overlook in The Shining. 

Rut ro.


This lady is the last occupant of the lodge. She says one of the funniest things I've ever heard anyone say in a movie. One of the snowmobile people says "You don't like answering questions, do you," to which she responds: "And you don't like not asking them." That instantly made her one of my favorite characters of all time. Anyway, she is the Ghostkeeper.


There's some sort of monster child she has to keep locked up. Everyone dies. I think. Ghostkeeper. 

March 29, 2013: Seems like we've had almost a full year of winter here in Illinois. 







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Humongous (1982): Zombielogic's Incredibly Brief Movie Reviews

Humongous is a 1982 horror film which receives a 3.3 star rating out of ten at IMDB. It's either completely deserving or undeserving of that rating based on how you feel about this photo...

A bad photo, you say? Nope. Not really. This is what most of the movie looks like. I can tell you something interesting and horrible occurs in the setting depicted in this picture, but if you watch Humongous, you're not going to see most of it. If soft focus and darkness doesn't bother you, let's proceed...


Mostly accurate. Something is loose in this movie. I'll divulge this: Humongous is a movie in the forsaken, desolate, derelict places genre. If that is a genre at all. To me it is, and in that genre movies like The Shining and Session 9 are two of the best examples. This movie has the added bonus derelict places features of...


Being shot on an actual island, and an island in Canada. They could have shot it in the director's apartment for all you'll know because you can't see any of it, which will be simultaneously frustrating, but somewhat fascinating in the sense that you'll never come away from this place with a clear picture of what just happened. I actually kind of like that and think it adds something to a pretty interesting movie. 

Gratuitous boobies...

Humongous Descending a Staircase. In sum, a unique movie (or else I wouldn't have bothered). Frustrating as hell to watch, but worth it for real horror fans.








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Zombie Logic Press Webcomics

So, tonight Jenny and I have an impasses. I had an idea for a Zombie Logic Press webcomic involving how most people simply seem to be waiting for other people to make something or say something so they can show how smart and clever they are by replying in wise-ass fashion. But even though I've been thinking about this all week I just couldn't get the handle on a perfect caption. So we did more than one, but after I selected the one I liked best Jenny said, no I got the perfect caption. To which I responded , oh yeah? So, we're going to do both. Mine is first, of course. 

Here's how I do it.



And here's how Jenny does it.



More webcomics


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Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Tiny Drawing April 24, 2012

Today's Tiny Drawing has a sinister feeling to it. I wonder what is happening here. Perhaps a poem will bubble up to go with this drawing.







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Monday, April 23, 2012

Momus Shrugged

Momus is the Greek god of satire, mockery, scoffing, and criticism. The original hater. As such, it is no surprise he is also the god of poets and writers. On Mount Olympus, home of the Greek Gods, Momus performed much the same role as the Fool did in Shakespeare's plays, namely being the one person allowed to be critical of those in power without suffering the consequences. Of course The Fool's, and Momus' immunity was not absolute. Some criticisms were more well received than others, and there were always days when it would have better to keep one's mouth shut. But mythical manifestations of the human impulse to speak truth to power are sprinkled throughout the history of human literature for the simple reason that there always exists this desire to say what things really are, not what we are being told they are. This is the first panel of Zombie Logic Press' newest webcomic, Momus Shrugged, inked by artist Jenny Mathews of  Tiny Drawings,  and me, of, well, of this blog. 






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Wikipedia Editors and Chronic Masturbation: A Study

I imagine anyone who edits Wikipedia to be qualified to edit only one entry: masturbation. Seriously, who sits there just waiting for someone to edit a page on Demond Wilson? I can see them clearly in their parents' basement just punishing it to a VHS copy of The Facts of Life when the the bell sounds announcing someone has altered the entry about Lamont Sanford. He springs to his feet, grabs the staff he bought at Comicon, and tries his hardest to sound like Wolverine as he mutters "Time to dole out some hard justice." He sits at the keyboard, locates a questionable claim that Demond Wilson was a Chippendale dancer in the early 70's, makes sure this spurious fact never makes it into the book report of a sixth grader, then goes back to his whacking couch to finish what he started for the seventh time already this morning. More Kleenex, mom. 





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Sunday, April 22, 2012

All Canadians Must Die



This is Zombie Logic Press' latest webcomic, apparently titled All Canadians Must Die. It is what happens when all the artists are busy. 



More webcomics

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An Afternoon With Fred "Butch" Wells

Jenny has an event today, so I of course get a flurry of ideas for web comics. No problem, I think to myself, these are just dippy ideas about Jane Fonda and Dinty Moore Beef Stew, I'll just sketch out some stick figures and drop the text in on Photoshop. Right?


Wrong. 


Two hours of sketching later it turns out I can't even draw a building. And how the hell do you draw boobs on a stick figure? I don't know. I gave up, and decided to find a stock photo so I could create my Dinty Moore Beef Stew masterpiece. And here it is. This is what happens when poets are in charge of anything.






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Saturday, April 21, 2012

Revenge of the Cheerleaders

In the 1970's the unwritten rule was it was permisable to make an intentionally schlocky, exploitation movie full of nudity, violence, and drug use because if it was only to be shown at night outdoors as part of a double or triple bill where everyone knew the rules.  If the only thing I ever told you about the drive-in classic Revenge of the Cheerleaders was that 

David Hasselhoff plays a character named Boner wouldn't that be enough to send you out to the corner gas station to rent the Betamax copy? Oh, there's more. Lots more. 

They have sex, they take drugs, they do whatever they want, including...

Robbing their fellow students at fire extinguisher point for their drugs, then dump them in the spaghetti sauce leading to a naked food fight that requires an orgy shower scene, sounds like these chicks got their turf under pretty tight control, so who they need to take revenge upon? 

The Lincoln High cheerleaders, of course, because they refuse to do sex and drugs and want to plow Aloha High under to make a shopping mall out of it. These chicks are so uptight when they say cock they actually mean rooster. 
A new principal is brought in to save Aloha from the evil developer who wants to turn the school into a mall, but instead decides the cheerleaders are actually the source of the problem and replaces them with the good goody cock squad.


  Bummed out, the girls team up with the Go-Gos,  take a field trip to the woods, knock over a liquor store, then seduce a Boy Scout just for fun.

Their sin batteries recharged, the cheerleaders decide instead of giving up they'll kick some goody two show ass and regain their turf. However, when they return, things have really gone to Hell at Aloha High

When they return to school, the basketball team is losing the match to Lincoln High because the cheerleading is so uninspiring.  So they whupp some ass and stuff them in lockers, but then the evil Nurse Beam chloroforms Boner, who instantly goes limp. But one of the cheerleaders knows that if there's one thing Boner loves, it's the smell of (cinnamon rolls), so she whips off her penties, and two sniffs later Boner is rock hard again and ready to lead the Aloha team to a rousing defeat of Lincoln.But this is where things start to get a little weird.



Nurse Beam, secretly working for the evil land developer,Hartlander, blows the school up overnight and the cheerleaders learn the principal has been kidnapped by Nurse Beam and a giant brontasaurus the gang hops in their convertible and goes to the rescue.  



The chase in on through a series of winding caves leading to this elevator that appears out of nowhere and leads to
.  

A shopping mall, where the girls chase Nurse Beam until they all end up on a golf course where Beam sinks into quicksand. 

The sanctity of sex, drugs, and rock n roll is restored. Not particularly in that order. Credits roll, party out. I actually didn't watch this movie and now I feel bad for the review because it's not my style but I saw the picture after I reviewed Revenge of the Dead and it looked like fun. Now it just looks like exploitation garbage.


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Revenge of the Dead Is a Zombie Detective Thriller

I have only one small quibble with the 1983 "zombie" movie Revenge of the Dead (Zeder): no zombies. Despite one of the best zombie movie posters of all time...

There are no zombies in this movie at all. Not really. It's a supernatural detective story, and the plot is somewhat similar to the story in the Johnny Depp movie The Ninth Gate. Stefano, a young journalist, buys a used typewriter and accidentally sees that some text is still readable on the ribbon. He manages to reconstruct the story of a scientist, Paolo Zeder, who in the 1950's discovered that some types of terrain have the power to revive the dead that are buried in them. Stefano's investigations bring him in contact with a group of renegade scientists that are still making experiments to prove Zeder's theories.

More accurately, his girlfriend buys him this typewriter, which still contains the secrets of the mysterious "K" zone. He begins to dive into the mystery. The story is good and well done, so once you get over the fact that this isn't going to be a zombie movie at all you'll be rewarded by a far above average horror movie.

No small part of which is this beautiful example of a derelict building. It evokes images of movies such as The Shining and Session 9, so if the forsaken places subgenre is your thing you'll love the look of this movie. 


Once inside that enormous building. Stefano discovers a room where scientists seem to be monitoring the sleep of someone. I won't spoil the obvious, but...


Shit, I lied, there apparently are some zombies in this movie. It won't be enough to entertain those who like their blood and guts splashed across the screen like a slaughterhouse, but I forgot this scene. I'm actually going to go watch the movies again now. 

Here's a zombie wandering around in the skeleton of a huge, derelict structure. This is a magnificent shot. The whole damn movie is unique. I'm not going to overhype it, but even on IMDB it receives a 6.3 rating, which is astronomical for a low budget "zombie" movie. So...


The dead don't really rise, but get over it, and watch Revenge of the Dead.




March 29, 2013 update: A movie poster I'd love to have in my collection, and not too expensive or hard to find, but I just don't have anywhere to put it.





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Friday, April 20, 2012

Antropophagus (The Grim Reaper)

Sometimes I conflate movies. Two movies I may or may not have seen combine to create one super movie that no one else can really see, but such are the joys of madness and advanced age. It's my review and I can write it any way I want. Antropophagus is a movie about antropophagy, and once you look that up you'll know what this gem from 1980, also known as The Grim Reaper is about. Or you can look at this picture...

Assuming you are assuming that those are human entrails, AND that he's going to eat them. 

Mystery solved, Velma. Unless you're not convinced he's about to eat those entrails AND that those entrails are human. 

He eats people. Damn. I'd say spoiler alert but the movie is titled Antropophagus. Aside from eating people, this is a good movie. The movie I conflate it with is Dagon, because...


Two clueless, pampered, rich kid ding dongs are shipwrecked, and end up on an eerie but strikingly beautiful Aegean island, only to be separated when the chick is kidnapped (probably) and...

Holy fuck, I don't remember all this cool shit happening. Anyway, it appears to be a grisly movie starring Mick Fleetwood as a drummer who goes insane when he discovers Stevie Nicks is fucking Joe Walsh and decided he's eating everyone in Greece. At least that's what I remember it being about. Highly recommended for being unique, but I think pretty grisly in content and theme. (It's a good thing they didn't include the real Stevie Nicks in the sequal, The Grim Reaper 2, Mick Fleetwood Comes Back For More, or the movie would have taken weeks to end).








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The Dover Demon, a New Illustration From a First Hand Account

Were it not for the alliteration of the words, it is doubtful the cryptid known as The Dover Demon would ever have been called The Dover Demon at all. Another case of a short-lived, or hit and run cryptid, like The Enfield Horror, on April 21, 1977, the sightings of something otherworldly forever changed a small suburb of Boston, Mass. Four teens witnessed a creature — labeled the Dover Demon by locals — at different times within a 25-hour period. Their descriptions and accounts seemed to confirm there was a new resident in Dover.


Witnesses described this alienlike creature as having a watermelon-shaped head and a body like a lanky monkey. The demon also had very large eye sockets with glowing eyes, but no other perceptible facial features were reported. The demon appeared to stand no more than 4 feet (1.2 meters) tall with a hairless body and a bright orange skin tone. What exactly could this creature with such strange features be?

The Dover Demon, most probably one of the most misnamed cryptids in history. What the witnesses from Dover witnessed that night was clearly an alien creature. But he who names it claims it. I know of no variety of demonic creature that vaguely resembles this rendering of what was seen near Boston on April 21, 1977.



One's first intuition might be to assume the witnesses had just returned from a matinee of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, but that movie didn't open until November of 1977, I therefore conclude this must be confirmed as a legitimate sighting of a real space alien.

The Dover Demon was first sighted outside near a bar by three seventeen-year-old boys who were driving through the Massachusetts area when the car's headlights illuminated it. Bill Bartlett, the driver, reported that he saw what he thought at first was a dog or a cat, but upon closer inspection realized that it was a bizarre, unearthly-looking creature crawling along a stone wall on Farm Street.

Bartlett continued to watch the creature, and he reported it to have a disproportionately large, watermelon-shaped head and illuminated orange eyes, like glass marbles. It had long, thin arms and legs with slender fingers, which it used to grasp onto the pavement. It was hairless and had rough, flesh-toned skin, described as tan and sandpaper-like. The creature's appearance was very plain, with no nose or ears, and no mouth was seen. The witness drawings portray its head as having a skull shape, forming the contour of a circle on top with a more elliptical ending projecting down to include where the nose and mouth would be.
Other witnesses have claimed the creature had green eyes and seemingly smooth, chalky gray toned skin, three feet tall, and made a bloodcurdling noise, similar to a hawk's screech combined with a snake's hiss. But all witnesses say it had no ears, mouth, nose, or known sex.

The creature was sighted again an hour later, by John Baxter, 15, and Pete Mitchell, 13, as they were walking home. He said it was bipedal and ended up running into a gully and standing next to a tree. The next day, Abby Brabham, 15, and Will Traintor, 18, driving down Springdale Avenue, claimed to have seen a similar-looking creature from Traintor's car, on the side of the road. 

Here's a rendering of The Dover Demon that might be considered more "demonic," but it's not what the witnesses actually described.


Brabham's description matched Bartlett's and Baxter's descriptions, except this time the cryptid had illuminated green eyes. She approximated its height as "about the size of a goat". Investigators attempted to shake up Ms. Brabham by noting she said it had green eyes reflected by car headlights, while Bartlett mentioned orange eyes were reflected back to him by his automobile's lights. Ms. Brabham was steadfast in her description.

Bartlett, Baxter, Brabham, and Traintor all drew sketches of the monstrous sight shortly after their sightings. On the piece of paper that includes Bartlett's sketch, he wrote "I, Bill Bartlett, swear on a stack of Bibles that I saw this creature."

Illustration of a first-hand account of the Dover Demon by artist Jenny Mathews
Exclusive. I sent a Zombie Logic Press reporter over to Dover last week, and he reported back that the 1977 sighting turned out to be a guy named Artie who had been drinking at the same bar, the El Dorado on Sixth, for 33 years before those kids saw him come stumbling out. Sure, he was a little orange, Joe Pozlanski, the owner/operator of the El Dorado stated, but so is Mike Ditka, and that's what 33 years of sitting on the same bar stool drinking Cutty Sark and rooting for the Bruins will do to you. Case closed. (Artist rendition of the actual Dover Demon, Artie Schneider, by Tiny Drawing artist Jenny Mathews).




More Tiny Drawings by Jenny Mathews
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