Thursday, June 28, 2012

Win A Free Copy of Children's Book The Toughskin Rhinoceros Wrangler Company

On July 11th we will be giving away a free copy of our children's book The Toughskin Rhinoceros Wrangler Company to one person who likes our fan page on Facebook. You can do that here and you will automatically be registered to win.

The book turned out amazing and virtually all of the limited edition signed and numbered copies sold out instantly. This copy WILL be signed and numbered, but you can also order a copy at Rhino Wrangler

Page 10

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Sunday, June 24, 2012

Jack Does His First Book Signing

Jasper Thomas signing thank you cards for The Toughskin Rhinoceros Wrangler Company

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Thursday, June 14, 2012

Refractory: A Poem By Thomas Vaultonburg


For one moment
After your tangled hair
Falls to my chest
And before I hear your
Hungry footfalls
Returning to bed
I am incapable
Of anything
But this poem.

Illustration by Jenny Mathews

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Saturday, June 9, 2012

Halloween 3: The Only Halloween Movie That Matters

Sure John Carpenter is one of the greatest horror movie directors ever. Yes, I love his movies. The Fog and They Live are among my favorite all time movies, but the only Halloween movie that matters to me is the magnificent Halloween III, a movie he entrusted to his friend Tommy Lee Wallace because he refused to make another Halloween movie. Now IMDB informs me John Carpenter wants to remake Halloween III, I assume as a real Halloween movie instead of Tommy Lee Wallace's brilliant movie about a man who, well, let me show you...

This guy here. He's bought up an entire town in a remote valley in California. He has a factory there where he makes novelty items. Whoopie cushions, Halloween masks, that type of stuff. But dig this: he's an ancient Druid guy from Ireland, but he's come to America because he has a plan. An evil plan. To take a tiny speck of Stonehenge and insert it in a disk he puts in Halloween masks. 

Kids put on the mask.

He plays this incredibly annoying television commercial. 

Instant head implosion with creepy crawly features. 

But Tom Atkins says not on my watch, turn it off, turn it off. Do they turn it off? Who cares. Watch the movie. It is the best of all the Halloween movies. 

February 21, 2013: Halloween 3 is STILL the greatest of the Halloween movies. 

January 25, 2015: Watched it several times again this Halloween season, and noticed on Ebay there was a lot more Halloween 3 merchandise available than ever before, including a really cool movie poster, which I almost bought, and a novelization of the screenplay, which I still want. Also noticed that Cochrane, the Druid guy, is very polite. he even gives Tom Atkins and the chick a round of applause when they foil his plan and apparently send him back to the Abyss. My friend Michael knows the actress from the movie. Maybe I'll talk about that next year. 

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Thursday, June 7, 2012

The Thirsty Dead Drinks Deep From the Cup of Stupid

I don't understand the 1974 movie The Thirsty Dead. Who's dead, exactly, and although almost everyone gets thirsty sometimes the dead don't and the dead in this movie show no evidence of being thirsty. 

I've sat through it a few times, or I've done the dishes or vacuumed while it was on. So, that alone probably means I know a lot more about this movie than you do. Here's what I think happens in this movie. 

A bunch of blond chicks just happen to be doing a lounge act in The Philippines. They get kidnapped and decide they want to look down each other's shirts. Then this death cult led by a white dude attempts to transform them into...

Old Philippino hags for no damn good reason. Nobody drinks any blood here. The only thirsty person represented in this movie is at the lounge in the first scene. Nonetheless. If you happen to be doing the dishes, I recommend The Thirsty Dead.

February 21, 2013 update: The Thirsty Dead is still pretty stupid. But I think you can still get it on Drive In classics so go ahead and watch it.

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Monday, June 4, 2012

The Toughskin Rhinoceros Wrangler Company By Thomas L. Vaultonburg Illustrated by Jenny Mathews

The Toughskin Rhinoceros Wrangler Company 
By Thomas L. Vaultonburg Illustrated by Jenny Mathews

First Printing is SOLD OUT!*

Update: The first printing of The Toughskin Rhinoceros Wrangler Company is sold out. We will be a second printing in early 2013. If you are interested in pre-ordering a copy please stay tuned as details will soon be available. 
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Sunday, June 3, 2012

Don't Go In the Woods, Unless You're a Nozzle, Then, Please, Go In

As the 1970's turned into the 1980's The Man was still trying to tell us what to do. Don't Go In the House, Don't Go In The Bathroom...

Don't Go In the Woods. Listen, ugly is a good word to describe this movie. These people are ugly. Nobody cares if they die. Plus, they don't listen.

Uhh, did you get that last part about the woods?

Speekin zee English?

How about now? I feel like going into the woods might be a good idea.

I'm just going to go into the woods for a while. Anyone want to go with me?

The woods are a little stabby lately, I think I'll just go for a swim. D'oh.

Best thing about the 2012 remake of Don't Go In the Woods? It will be your pleasure to see every one of these Guantanamo Bays die. of course by the end of it you'll wish you'd gone in the woods, but that's your headache, not mine. 

February 21, 2013 update: I think I mixed pictures from the original version of this movies and some crappy remake from 2012, but none of this really bothers me very much I'm just updating the blog to resize the text. 

January 25, 2015: I used to do a lot more picture to text in my blogs. I actually didn't see either version of this movie and have no idea why I blogged about it when there's about 10,000 movies I did see.

May 22, 2018. Looks like I wrote this blog after I read that Google loves lots of pictures. I saw this picture today on Night Flight's Facebook page. 452 shares. Zombielogic's Incredibly Brief Movie reviews was a good idea that was poorly executed, and what I should have been doing is longer reviews of movies I actually cared about.  

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Saturday, June 2, 2012

Don't Go In the Basement, Or Anywhere Else, Or Answer the Phone

In the early seventies nowhere was safe. Don't Go In the Woods, Don't Go In the House, Don't Answer the Phone. In the 1973 schlock-fest The Forgotten, they're saying not only should you NOT go in the basement, Don't Even Look In the Basement. Don't even think about the basement. The basement is not for you. 

However, if you would like to detach your enormous head from your body and "stand" at the top of the stairs looking down and yelling out of your cavernous mouth that would be just fine. Here's sort of what might have happened in this movie.

One of these people is about to have his ridiculously misguided anger therapy used against him. 

The building is filled with loonies. This one appears to be dead.

This one is named Sam. I'm going to ruin the rest of your life by telling you as the credits roll he's eating a popsicle and mumbling something about white folk.

Didn't I tell you not to look in the basement?

February 21, 2013 update: You did tell me not to go in the basement, but I thought my raquetball raquet was down there. Now I got this hatchet in my head.

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Willie Wonka Half-Heartedly Tries To Stave Off the Zombie Apocalypse

With the recent decision by the CDC to treat human suffering like a joke, someone needs to step in and play the role of the adult in trying times. Thank you, Willie Wonka. 

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