Monday, December 9, 2013

Family Eats Youngest Child In Startling Christmas Card Photo Session Tragedy

It was not the first time Armanita and Qolon Djortpeener ignored the protestations of their daughters Djeggins and Pansy that they were hungry, but after the unspeakable tragedy that befell them following the family's Christmas card shoot earlier this week, it will almost certainly be the last. The daughters, who one neighbor described later as "demon possessed psychopaths with a taste for carrion," who had become increasingly ravenous due to an obscure Christian ritual that commands parents not to feed female children until a suitable male child can be conceived, began eating their infant brother, Lickspittle, who many considered to have shown all the Biblical sign of being the Second Coming. First responders were unable to revive the Messiah due to the fact that he had been completely consumed by his sisters by the time they arrived. The photographer, Goatwhale Plimk, told Shoot First magazine in an interview "It's a shame. I mean, a real shame. You don't get that many chances to shoot the Second Coming, and by the time I could get any good shots he had been eaten." 

Should female children be allowed to live? And if so, should we even bother to feed them? Maybe if we did the Messiah would be alive today.

More scenes from The War On Christmas

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Relive the Christmas special so scandalous, it was banned by NBC

Who are The Muntpluckers, and why are they doing this?

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