Sunday, January 5, 2014

There's No Lower Life Form Than a Tab Cola Hoarder

Harvey Birdman enjoys a Tab Cola
There is no lower form of life than a Tab Cola hoarder. Here in Northern Illinois, it has become commonplace for people to overreact to any weather event by raiding the shelves of every supermarket of foodstuffs such as bread and milk. But what type of sadistic bastard uses one day of subzero degree temperatures to deplete the shelves of Tab Cola? I used to drink Tab Cola every day. I may even go so far as to admit I had a little problem. If I went to bed knowing I did not have a Tab Cola to wake up to, I worried. Eventually I decided it was unreasonable to let any substance have that type of power over me, so I stopped drinking it. Now I have a twelve pack every other weekend. This is my Tab Cola weekend. This is also the coldest week coming up in forty years, and thusly some Tabaholic drained the shelves of the local market where I normally get my supply. I found this out a mere six hours ago when Jenny returned from the store with the jelly donuts that go with my Tab Cola, but no Tab Cola.

What kind of a monster does this? The Packers were kind enough to get swept out of the NFL playoffs for my amusement this afternoon. But I couldn't enjoy it the way I should have. All I could think of was some jackwagon cracking open a can of Tab soda while the field goal that sunk the Packers sailed through the uprights. 

Now I settle for a cup of Earl Gray tea and wonder why, why did someone do this. I hope you leave your Tab Cola out in the cold, and it freezes and explodes. And then you get down in the show and start licking it up. You son of a bitch.
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