Thursday, February 6, 2014

Outgoing Answering Machine Messages of Famous Composers

I remember when this Crazy Calls cassette of answering machine messages came out in 1985. People fell out. They thought it was the funniest and most clever thing they had ever seen. Gives you an idea of how times have changed. You don't hear many lame-ass white guys pretending to be Black guys rapping anymore. Thirty years later I still remember this commercial, so I wrote a poem about what I think the outgoing answering machine messages of famous composers might have been. 

Outgoing Answering Machine Messages of Famous Composers

Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky: A recording of Johnny Horton's "Battle of New Orleans" plays, Tchaikovsky's voice breaks in clumsily: "This is Peter. I'm not at my..." the tape runs out of room abruptly. 

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: "If this is my father again, I'm not home."

Franz Joseph Haydn: "If you have any information concerning the whereabouts of Franz Joseph Haydn, please leave a message and Franz Joseph Haydn will get in contact with you."

Franz Liszt: "I'm not home right now. I have to go to the bank, then pick up the kids at school, then get my wife's dry cleaning and rake the leaves."

Frederic Chopin: "Went shoppin'."

Richard Wagner: (voice of personal assistant) "Richard Wagner is currently 26,000 feet above Tel Aviv on TWA flight number 1680."

Ludwig Von Beethoven: "Beethoven's not home. Beethoven's not home."

Johann Sebastian Bach: "I'll be Bach."

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