Monday, June 30, 2014

Belphegor Is My Savior, I Follow None Other

Today's Supreme Court decision allowing Hobby Lobby to opt out of paying for its employees birth control on  the basis that it violates their religious convictions was a completely expected salvo in the war to transform America into an utter cesspool of religious freakdom.

Now, I think it's time for the rest of us to exercise our freedom of religion.  I've been putting off telling you all this, but I worship the ancient Moabite demon named Belphegor, and what Belphegor wants more than anything else is blood. Christian blood.  I really am powerless to refuse the wishes of my master, so I am afraid this is going to sting a little.  

In addition, I feel that this Supreme Court decision has given me the freedom to disregard this list of laws that were really harshing my ability to just sort of, let it all hang out and enjoy my religious freedom.

Thomas L. Vaultonburg and Belphegor
One of these is a hideous, smelly demon. The other is Belphegor.

1) Public Urination.  Seriously, I got to go.  A lot. In public places.  In front of family pets.  In front of your wife. Belphegor commands it. "Anything that makes it harder to pee is antislack." -Sternodox

2) Sacrificing pigs and goats, and on occasion a Christian child.  Ultimately Lee Greenwood.  Belphegor hates Lee Greenwood, and demands he must be sacrificed on pay per view in full view of a masturbating Dick Cheney.  I must obey. 

3) The need for speed. I have it.  And not in some jingoistic, homoerotic ninety minute as for carpet-bombing children in Third World nations sort of way.  I mean speed, the drug. All drugs, actually.  I must take all drugs.  God made them and He wants me to take them.  Opium, hash, goofballs, PCP, Bolivian marching powder, and worst of all the two legal drugs nicotine and alcohol.  Belphegor has stated categorically they are to remain legal and be used by all humanity for the purpose of attaining a holy accord with The Creator.  In his presence I am powerless to question his commands.

4) Fire. Fire. And more fire.  Huge public conflagrations around which we will all fuck, feast, and piss into without shame, fear, or retribution.  Because Belphegor is cool that way.

5) Respect women.  Not just your mamma.  Not just your wife, and your daughters.  Not just the women who agree with you politically or religiously.  All women.  All women everywhere.  Respect their right to exercise control over their own bodies.  They are not your property, your subject your fuck receptical, spank material or your subordinates. Belphegor declares that by his decree all women everywhere in God's kingdom are to be treated equally, with respect, and accorded all the rights and privileges heretofore afforded only to ignorant, entitled, bloated, self important, misogynistic honkeys, effective immediately.  So it has been spoken by the Horned One, so shall it be. 

So, there you have it. The Supreme Court decision allowing freedom of religion to one group has unwittingly opened up the flood gate for all of us to practice our own religion freely, too. Get out there Cthulians, Flying Spaghetti Monsterians, Church of the Subgeniusians, go forth and spread the word. Because if you really, really don't want to do something, you don't have to anymore. God said so. And the Supreme Court agrees. 

Please buy this book by my friend Jesus Abraham Correa VII

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