Friday, July 4, 2014

Midwest Town Terrorized By Bear AND Serial Killer During 4th Of July Weekend

You can say what you want about my hometown of Rockford. The national press sure does. We're fat, we're violent, and we're miserable, but one thing we're not is boring, as the scads of Chicago news vans I have seen driving around town this week will attest. A town that has its own damn share of violent crime is here in Rockford this week sniffing around for news. And why not, because we have both a bear AND a serial killer on the loose rampaging through the city.

     What, you don't have bears in Chicago?

A bear you can deal with. They're semi-reasonable creatures. Serial killers, on the other hand?

Here we see serial killer Terence Doddy doing what everyone in Rockford pretty much does: buying cheap clothes at Walmart and evading the law. Fortunately Doddy did us all a favor this afternoon and ran into a tree in the stolen car he'd been driving all over Northern Illinois all week. Whether or not the bear was riding shotgun is still up for debate. Nonetheless, with this son-of-a-bitch in custody Rockfordians can get back to doing what we do best on the Fourth of July weekend: shooting off illegal fireworks from Indiana, Iowa, and Wisconsin, and firing our illegally-obtained firearms into the air while drinking Old Milwaukee Light. Maybe those news vans from Chicago will stick around a while and document how it's really done.

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